Children at weddings, and how to say no kindly

Every couple has this conversation and most of them have it twice: once to decide, and once again three weeks later when somebody pushes back.

There is no correct answer. There is only the day you want and the willingness to be consistent about it.

Decide on the real reason#

Couples usually give a reason they think sounds acceptable rather than the true one, and then find the rule hard to defend. The true reasons are all perfectly good.

• The venue has a capacity and every child is a seat
• The evening runs late and you want the room to stay in one mood
• Catering is priced per head and children are not cheaper
• You want your friends to be at a party rather than on duty
• You simply do not want to

That last one is enough. It is your day, it is not a public service, and no guest is owed a place for their children.

Half measures cause more trouble than either extreme#

All children, or none, or one clearly stated category. Anything vaguer generates a month of individual negotiations.

Categories that work, because they are checkable:

• Children in the wedding party only
• Babies under one, who are still being fed
• Family children only, meaning nieces and nephews
• Children at the ceremony and lunch, adults only from seven

That last one is the most underused option on the list. It gives families a real day out and gives you the evening you pictured.

Say it on the invitation#

Clearly, once, in the practical section. The exact wordings, including the warm versions and the ones to avoid, are in adults only wording that nobody takes badly.

The other half of saying it is addressing the invitation by name, so that each household can see exactly who is invited without having to ask. That technique is covered in plus one wording and it does most of the work here.

When somebody takes it badly#

Occasionally a family member will treat this as a personal slight. The response that works is short, warm and immovable.

I know, and I am sorry. We have said the same thing to everyone and we cannot make an exception for one family without it being unfair on the others. We would love you there, and we completely understand if you cannot make it.

Do not argue the reasoning. The reasoning is not really what is being disputed. Repeat the position kindly and move the conversation on.

If you say yes#

A wedding with children in it can be wonderful, and a small amount of planning is what decides which version you get.

• Feed them first, and feed them something they will actually eat
• Give them somewhere to be that is not the dance floor: a room, a corner, a garden
• Consider a sitter for a few hours in the evening, shared across families
• Warn the photographer, who will be delighted
• Tell parents what is provided, so they can pack accordingly

Those details belong in the running order rather than on the invitation. Writing an order of the day covers where to put them.

Expect the head count to move#

Whichever way you decide, families with young children are the group most likely to change their answer late, in both directions. Childcare falls through, or a grandparent offers at the last minute.

Build a little slack into the numbers and keep the replies somewhere you can actually see the current total, rather than in a notebook that was correct in March. Collecting replies online covers that.

Whatever you choose, choose it early#

The decision has to be made before the invitations are written, because it changes the guest list, the numbers, the catering and the wording. Deciding it late is how couples end up with a rule they cannot enforce.